1st Day

Sleeping is a nice thing to be able to do. When you are bored, go to sleep. When you are lonely or pissed, go to sleep. If you ever don't want a feeling to last any longer, just go to sleep and wake up to find a new one. Try it.

November 22

Dreaming

The air is still
A child sits

Alone

He sits in a peaceful void
Darkness has fallen
His mind wanders through melancholy dreams

He wonders

   Frankie

November 26

The room is very peaceful now. I feel really warm inside. I LOVE MY School! John has a nice voice. The coffee stinks. So does the tea.

People say the snow is really cold, but when is comes I bundle up and feel happy and warm. If the snow makes me feel this way then isn't it warm?

November 30

Tom moved in today. The room's full. I cleaned the room and brought the plants in. It's great.

December 2

Thoughts

I'm outside
Sitting under a tree
It's beautiful
The sun is shining and I can smell the fresh air
I just came from school
Theatre class was fun
My ass is wet from the ground but it's all right
The cars make a lot of noise and disturb the peacefulness around me
I wish they weren't here
I was going to Hotline then I sat to write this
The ducks aren't here today
I wonder where they are
An old lady just walked by me
I wonder if she noticed me
  was she afraid of me
  did she wonder what I was doing
Maybe I should have asked her
But she probably wouldn't have told me
I think I'll go to the library this afternoon
My ass is cold so I'm going to Hotline

goodbye
   Frankie

December 5

I think all these pictures sort of reflect how I feel at different times. I have a hard time writing because I'm always with people or where there's a lot of noise and confusion.

We went to Boston Museum of Science today and saw the planetarium. It sucked!

I'm sitting in my room. What a pit! I really have a hard time writing here but it's the only place where I have time to sit down. Hotline's the same way. Tomorrow I'm going to spend 1 hour outside, writing.

December 6

People keep finding me jobs.

I DON'T WANT TO WORK!

Money sucks. The more you have the further away from reality. Money isn't worth working for.

If you don't have money you can't get bills and stuff because you can't buy anything. If you don't have money you don't have to worry about the bank taking it. You don't have one you can't afford it!

See all the trouble it causes.

December 7

The Franklin stove is hooked up!

We started a fire in it tonight and the draw is prefect. The only problem was that whoever painted it, didn't use heat proof paint.

Last night the play went along really easy and I memorized half a page in 20 minutes, but right now, I can't do any. I'm really tired. Tomorrow is the last day and I have to memorize a page and a half.

Shit!

December 8

"Ya ain't gotta have a point, ta have a point." The Rockman

"A point in every direction, is the same as no pint at all." The Pointed Man

I think the time I most likely to get bummed out or sick is when I'm not active. As long as I'm active I don't get tired.

I've got 1/4 of a page to go in the play.

I got my stereo back and boy does it sound good.

December 9

"Thank God, men cannot as yet fly, and lay waste in the sky as well as the earth." Henry David Thoreau

"Man is about to become Woman." Marshall McLuhan (The future of sex)

"Neckties strangle clear thinking." Lin Yutang

"If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable." JFK

"You smash it, and I'll build around it!" John Lennon

December 9

I just saw a man stop his car to tell a woman, who had just parked her own car, that her lights were on. Thank you, it makes me feel good!

December 10

Today at school Anne and I were talking, and she said that she could never do anything or change anything about the U.S. situation and that the best thing for her to do is to live her life the way she sees fit and be happy.

I don't agree!

I don't know if I agree or not.

I'm going to think about this for awhile before I write any more.

December 11

Happy
Peaceful
Love
Warm

This is how I feel

no hate
no sadness
no regret

What I've been through
  I've been through

What I will go through
  I will go through

Nobody can change that
  I call it life.

   Frankie

December 12

My head is mixed up. So many things have been happening. I feel sort of blank. I met Patty on the subway from the Harrison concert. She used to live in Franklin together. Vallary[sp?] is expecting to feed the ducks in Feb. I didn't remember how long she's been married to Rick.

(I was thinking something different. I didn't realize what I was writing.)

Mrs. C. is OK so that's all I wanted to hear. I had a dream the other night!

I was waiting for her in some strange room. Scott was there and a few other people scattered around. It was a small room with a fireplace, no fire. A woman walked in the room and I started towards her, thinking it was her but, sat back in my seat when I saw it wasn't sure. We were waiting for her and I hadn't seen her for long time. She wasn't expecting me. She came in and my eyes filled with tears. I ran and hugged her. We were both in love and rolled around in each other's arms until we fell into a chair. She was old with white hair but beautiful. She was more beautiful than I had ever seen before. She had lost a lot of weight.

The dream ended falling into the chair. It was the most beautiful dream was one of the most beautiful I've ever had. Probably because she's the most beautiful person I know. I hope the dream comes true.

December 13

Today is the first day of my fast (Fri.). We're going for 1 week. It's kind of like quitting smoking because you have to keep reminding yourself, you just forget, it's such a habit. I feel funny now because it's lunch time at school and everyone's eating.

Last night I went to a psychodrama and I was the guinea pig. I started to tell that dream I described about Joan C. but it ended up about Scott and me. It got pretty heavy and I think I learned a lot about our relation. I can't really write what happened or what I got out of it. I whish I could write better. But anyway that's basically it.

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on!" my old man

December 13

I never thought eating could be such a habit. I'm not really hungry, no pain, but I can taste everything. Peanuts is a big one and then there's ice cream and a million more. I'll bet I could find something to eat at home now. I wonder how Kim feels.

It's just like quitting cigarettes. See what I mean? It's an obsession.

December 14

2nd Day

I woke up about 4:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I also couldn't get my mind off FOOD! I kept rolling around and trying to get back to sleep or think of something. Finally it happened. I convinced myself that my fast was useless and went out to the kitchen to eat. I decided that I'll have a salad and go back to bed until my stomach calms down (it was very upset the whole time). There wasn't very much but I stuffed it into a bowl, threw in a little mayonaise, and ate. The I had half a glass of orange juice and went to bed. Within minutes my stomach felt a lot better.

After a while I started thinking about how I had told Kim I'd go a week with her. I had not only let her down but myself also. I had given up on something I set out to do. I was very pissed off with myself and decided that I'd go through with it. Feeling a little guilty, I fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of a dream. I was eating ice cream. Still half asleep I thought about and fully enjoyed each bite. Half asleep I decided that I was going to get some. The I woke up and realized what I was doing.

Since then I've been reading "Breakfast of Champions," and finished my linoleum block.

December 15

Nanci and I went over to Dare School to help Bruce fix his house. We put the roof on the greenhouse. Froze my fingers off but it was fun. I didn't think about food all day and tonight I'm going to a squaredance at Janis House. I don't think I'm going to thumb to Janis House to work on the play with Sharon because I'm really tired and it's going to take all day tomorrow to memorize it.

This summer I'm taking off. There's lots of places I want to go to but right now I'm thinking about Alaska. About a year ago I came up with the idea of travelling down the ? river in British Colombia Canada. It consisted of canoeing 100 miles down the river and then living off the land for the next 6 to 12 months.

Far out!

But I could never afford anything, it's my fantasy land.

Lately I been hearing a lot about Alaska. It's a lot different than I thought, and I still can't imagine what it's like. I always thought it was like the North Pole, cold, freezing, storms, and a lot of ice. I guess northern Alaska is but in south there's supposed to be places with the same weather as Cape Cod and only 100 miles away you'll find Artic weather. It's also bigger than Europe! I think it will be noce to go there.

December 15

I'm starting the third day of my fast. I've lasted through breakfast easy. I don't think I'll have a lot of trouble finishing the week but I sure wish time would go a little faster.

At twelve noon I ate, ending my fast 65 hrs. after I started. I don't feel bad because I was going to stop anyway so I might as well enjoy the food and not feel guilty (Mum's idea). The food was great!

December 16

I went to school today. Nobody was there. There was only three other kids beside myself at 12 oclock. Kim wasn't there, her mother was sick so she stayed in Dennis with her.

We worked on "The Apple Bit" today and did the whole thing. Tommorow is the last day before we show it.

It's been a long time since I've seen them but my Grandmother used to grow poppy's in her side garden. They looked something like this and had little seeds inside. You could shake them and hear the seeds like a salt shaker. I used to love to play with them when I went over to her house.

These were the dried pods. I don't remember what the flowers looked like.

December 17

What people think of me is important. I always used to say the I didn't care how people felt about me, but now that I'm through it I know that I was afraid nobody liked me and if what people thought about you mattered I'd be shit. So I just said that I didn't care and everything was all right.

Now that people like me, it does matter. I want people to think nice things about me just as I did then, only now I know they do so I'll be nice to keep that friendship.

It means a lot to me.

I'm having a big argument with myself and I think it's come to a showdown. I'm in school and doing a lot of things that I won't be able to do next year. This means a lot to me and I don't think I should have to get a job because I really don't want it and it would take too much time away from school.

But then come trips. I don't feel bad about bumming lunch money from my parents or an occasional $5 for an overnight trip but what about 10 day and 15 day trips? The one in February should cost about $75! I haven't got any money and neither does my parents. Besides it isn't their responsibility. Shit!

Maybe I should get a job, but I really don't want to.

I really don't know what to do.

Should I stay home?

December 18

Oh, today was the play. It was Fantastic!

Our play went along good. It wasn't one of our best but people were laughing a lot so I guess it was good.

Then was trouble. It also wasn't one of the best but it was good. Fun too! Then came: LARRY.

The drum solo he did I couldn't believe. It was the best I've ever seen. Even my old man said it was good. He'll have no trouble finding work. Larry will be leaving and I really feel bad. He is such a good person, but I'm glad he's getting his chance to take off. I feel good for him. Good luck Larry.

December 20

I went to party last night at Nanci's. It was a blast. It bummed me out a little that everyone had to drink but I had a good time. I shouldn't really say that, only some of the kids were drinking. I had a really good time. Then Dad and started to embarass the hell out of me. He had been drinking and starting talking like mad. He commented a lot on the women which all were fabulous last night, but he just bugged the shit out of me. Finally he started to fix Mary's camera so I walked around. Then Mum came. We had a square dance and told the worst jokes in the world. Over all it was great.

(I can't figure out why my hand writing is so different this morning.)

Last week Biba, Sharon and I were talking about going to New York for a few days during the vacation. I think I'm going to go. Vacations are so boring.

The difference between the handwriting must be in the position you're in when you're writing.

December 20

Colin, Mike, Sully, Wikki and I went for a hike in N. Falmouth yesterday. It was fun. I'd really like to go camping and mountain climbing again.

December 20

There hasn't been any snow at all this year. I don't think we'll get any for Christmas. It sure seems funny. Maybe that's why I don't have any Christmas spirit this year. I sure miss the snow. It it's gonna be cold, we might as well have snow.

December 20

I had a lot of fun making that print. I felt really good to see it come out so good!

Ken sent a book which gives a lot of lessons in Chinese. It's great! We were (my mother and I) just talking about my uncle Dick. He belongs to the John Birch Society. I want my Russian class to go one even more and I also want to find out about the John Birch Society. It's weird wondering what your relatives are going to think of you when they find out I'm learning Chinese, have long hair, go to an alternative high school, have black friends. I must be really threatening to him, but why? I mean no harm. I'm not in a plot to overthrow the Government or anything. I respect other people's rights, and love my country, despite it's faults it's still the best on the face of the earth.

December 21

Is my country the greatest on the earth? If everything is in relation to something else, then how do I know it's the greatest until I know what the other countries are like.

I just remembered that a long time ago when I was at the Museum of Science, before they fixed it up, that there was a display showing the lymph system of a dog. What they did was inject colored plastic into the system of the body. When it was dry they rot the flesh off or something. I wonder where it went.

You can't fully understand the yang of something unless you see the yin of it.

I was just watching an Abbott and Costello movie made during the war. It's sick. Throughout history there hasn't been a single year without a war. Our whole country is built around the military and warfare. 95% of every tax dollar goes to the army. Think of all the research that could go into farming and improving society.

Another thing that has been with society forever is religion.

I don't feel like writing now, sorry.

December 22

I haven't written much lately. I guess I'm just lazy. I went down to school today and started to work on a pair of mocasins. I made the alterations on the pattern so they'd fit me right and then cut out the pieces. That's it. The next step is to bevel the edges and then sew it, but I couldn't find the tool to bevel the edges so I can't do any more. There's no stores around here that sell it either. I might be able to find one in Hyannis. Christmas is the day after tomorrow. I sure don't have a Christmas spirit this year.

All I gave this year were some cards I made out of junk laying around the house. I don't have the money to buy gifts. A person shouldn't have to kill himself to give presents. People can show their love much better through something they make themselves than a $10 chunk of plastic. After all, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

December 23

Earlier I was thinking about how stupid we were for selling other countries weapons and ammunition because then they have something to attack with and the more people with guns, the higher the chances of a fight. But when you think of it the Pentagon is pretty smart if these countries ever got in a fight with us, it wouldn't last long because they wouldn't be self-sufficient. Another bad thing is that if that country got in a fight say with Russia or China, someone equal to our strength then we're in trouble. We can either cease to supply that country with weapons in which case it would lose the fight, or kept supplying them and probably start World War III.

But then again a country which buys its weapons instead of producing them themselves is in no position to start a fight anyway.

December 24

Kim just called and said we weren't going to Edaville Railroad because 4 kids took off and we can't take the Limo with only 3 kids. I feel really bummed out. It's the day before Christmas and I'm lonely. I never do anything except for school, that's why it means so much to me. But when school ends it's all over and I have to find a substitute. Hotline. Everything is fine if school keeps going and Hotline stays open. But people burn out long before me. I can go for months without losing energy.

When I get bummed out like this my mind goes crazy. I was just thinking about quitting school, or graduating early. I've got myself to the point where I can be bummed out but I won't make any decisions.

Somebody on the news last night said that they predict another war within the next year. I don't know whether he meant a major war with the U.S. involved or not but what if it did happen? Next year I'll be 18. If they bring the draft back and I get picked what will I do? Maybe I'd see Alaska anyway.

December 24

Written Dec. 24, 1974 at Hotline for Beverly B.

When I'm around you
I feel high as a kite
When I'm around you
I feel just right
I haven't got much money
So this will have to do
It's just something
To show my love for you.

   Frankie

I wrote this yesterday at Hotline. It was after talking to John P. for a while. I didn't finish it and it really sucks. I had so many feelings but I just couldn't get them on paper.

Afraid

Afraid to let go
Want to love
Want to be loved
Why don't they leave me alone
I just want to be free
To be me

   Frankie

"You can't live their pain." My Mother

No, but you sure can feel it.

December 25

This was the best Christmas I've ever had. Last night we opened all the family presents. Karl bought the family a slide projector and screen. He filled a reel of 140 slides of the family when we went to Arizona. It was the best present we could ever receive. The closeness between everybody last night was great. Eric bought the family this bookshelf game called Luftwafe. It took me an hour just to read the directions. It's really complicated but we've played 3 games (only 1 full one) and are starting to get the hang of it.

For Nana

Just a little poem
from me to you
Just to say
I love you

   Frankie

It's 12:30 at night so I'm not going to write anymore. I have this feeling that I can't think of something I was going to write. As a matter of fact I know there is, tomorrow I'll have to write some more. Goodbye.

This page was written in full technicolor on December twenty-sixth, nineteen hundred and seventy four and was completed at 12:48 + 15 sec., A.M.

December 26

I went to Market Bookshop today. When I got there I couldn't decide what to get. I got John a painting by Salvador Dali (reproduction) called Vergo, and one by Picasso called Ulysess and the Sirens. I got myself this little book called: The True Account of the Death by Violence of George's Dragon.

It's illustrated and really short. It's about a dragon that comes in to this city that's being terrorized by monsters. He kills a few monsters for fun so the Duke hires him to kill the rest. He does his job so well that the Duke fires some of his army, including some officers. These officers hire a soldier named George to kill the dragon.

Every night the dragon spends his time playing cards and chess and every night, faithfully, he has a maiden. A maiden is a tankard of rum with honey and water and cloves.

One night they were playing chess and and George accused the dragon of cheating and killed the dragon. The Duke called it murder and was going to have him skinned in public.

Then the word got out that the dragon had a maiden every night so they made a hero out of George.

The End

December 26

I'm in the library and I noticed that when someone is looking at some material on the shelf, sometimes thay try to hide what they're looking at when someone comes along.

It's something to think about.

December 26

For all the things I see going on in the U.S. we're in for a depression. All the bigwigs in politics say it's only a recession. But compare the country to what happened during the depression of the 20's and see what you think. Lee, a realitor in Falmouth, said we were in for a depression. I forget his reasons because at the time I didn't give a shit and wasn't really listening. Just the way thousands after thousands of people are getting layed off and then the state has to pay unemployment to keep them alive. I don't know too much about the 20's depression, but I have heard that's what happened then and that the states had to start creating jobs.

What finally ended the depression was World War II. The way things are going on in the world, I think it's going to happen again. I have the feeling like it's inevitable.

If World War III did happen what would I do? I'd want to fight against it (the whole war; not just the other side) but no doubt they'd get the draft going and I won't join any organization so they'd try to imprison me just a few minutes. I was thinking of living in the woods until it's over. But when I come out of the woods what would I find?

Another thing is that if I did just leave for the duration, could I come back and live with these people knowing I was sitting perfectly safe the whole time?

I'm going to think about this.

December 26

I've noticed that when I'm in a bad mood, I think negative thoughts, like depression, war and politics. Well I'm not in a bad mood so I'm not going to think negative thoughts, it's not healthy. If something does happen, deal with it when it comes.

December 27

Body Energy

Sickness is a state of mind, or that is created in the mind and whatever is created in the mind can usually be eliminated by the mind. If you're bummed out you're much more likely to get sick than when you're in good spirits.

Sometimes you can get physically sick when your body goes through physical strain such as a ton of bacteria enters your body, in which case you should be in a good state of mind, eat plenty of vegetables and rest. What this does is it lets your body, with it's built in defense system, go at the bacteria with full strength.

Another physical strain would be too much heat, too little heat, exhaustion, starvation and meany others. The best thing to do is keep cool and try to supply your body with what it needs. And keep things in balance. If you don't have any food, don't do any hard work which would burn up all the food stored inside. If it's really cold, eat extra food and do a lot of work to burn up that energy which gives off heat. If it's hot out drink extra water to make up the extra you lose, and go swimming.

Everything has an opposite. Keep things in balance.

The best way to fight sickness is to keep you're body in perfect shape. To do this you're head is the first place to start.

There is a flow of energy through you're body. This energy, like everything else, has a yin (neg.) and a yang (pos.) side. When you're feeling happy and in a good mood, you're feeling the yang energy flowing evenly through you. I've noticed a few times that occasionally I've almost exploded because I was feeling so good.

Screaming out loud helped becuase it uses up a lot of energy. All around me things and people and everything have this energy. Well, you can get yourself, as I have, to a point where you are 100% positive yang energy.

When this happens you get in tune with all the yang energy around you and man you just start flying. The problem is regulating so that you can really enjoy this for prolonged periods because each time I've been through it it burns my body out, because it uses up all the energy in your body so that when you come down you have to let your energy reserve build up again. Your body gets supercharged and uses up all the energy in your body. Sometimes when your yang energy runs low, your yin energy starts to exceed your yang. When this happens all hell breaks lose.

You get depressed, you get headaches, and this is the time when you're most likely to get sick. You have no yang energy to counter balance the yin energy entering your body and as I said before the best way to cure this is eat good, get plenty of rest and most important, keep yourself HAPPY!

This is just a theory about body energy. It hasn't been all worked out or anything. It's just rambled thoughts that came out.

December 27

The more I think about this the more I think I don't know what I'm doing. I mean what am I trying to design.

In order to complete your goals first you must establish exactly what they are.

I'm gonna think for awhile and maybe read up about [illegible].

December 27

It's hard to think of a society based on violence. Not based on it, but where it was completely acceptable to kill or rob the right people. A society which had classes from rich to poor and people took pride in being the best thief or fighter.

During last summer there was a time where I almost had myself convinced that killing was all right. I was thinking about it because I wanted to join the Air Force and fly jets but I didn't think killing was all right so I decided not to. (Now that I think of it I think that if you didn't have to go to college I probably would have joined.)

I looked at it his way: everything on Earth kills to survive and the only time an animal kills is when it's hungry or when it's attacked. Right? Right! Well, if I joined I wouldn't kill anybody until I was attacked. (And I just noticed I jumped off the subject.) Somebody hits you, you hit him back, right? (Wrong.) Well I almost had myself convinced.

John was talking about the Government caving in by June. He's nuts. It could happen but it's very unlikely. All this political bullshit really sucks. It's really hard for me to believe that people can't just stop fighting and live in peace. Take the Arabs and the Isrealies. They're killing each other, both probably don't like the killings or anything so why don't they just smash their guns and have a party or something? It's really hard for me to understand since I've never really hated anything.

Sometimes I think of all the fun I could have if the country folded. I could just steal a plane and fly forever. But after you think for awhile you realize it's only a dream and it would never work. Politics fuck my head up.

December 28

I was reading a book about the beginning of the automobile and it got me thinking. Where would we be if everybody worried about politics and war. These people worked their asses off for something they liked and believed. It's great. People should do what they want, to work to please themselves, as long as they respect the other person's rights too. If everybody had something they wanted to do and was allowed to do it, then when somebody needed some help everybody would be more willing to do something. People would be happy.

December 28

I never really thought of it but my mother is a real rebel. She was brought up in a very strict Irish catholic family and was the youngest. Everybody treated her like shit. So when she got out of school she didn't really know what life was like. Then she met this guy at a dance. His parents completely ignored her when he took her to meet them. They were Protestant. Despite everybody, they married.

He screamed and yelled, smashed things and got very angry. She curled up in the corner. If it wasn't for the kids she would have gotten divorced. She couldn't so she started going to therapy. After a while he started to, so after years of fighting and therapy they finally get along pretty good.

Now that frightened little girl who curled up in the corner, who had to take driving lessons privately because her husband made her so nervous, who was outcast from her family with no one to turn to, has finally made it. She has her head together and really understands people and works full time helping them. She'll be director of a self help organization starting January 1, 1975. She's a rebel all right, but first she's my mother and I love her.

[End of Part I]