My relatives will be here in about an hour. I am kind of nervous. Uncle Dick hasn't seen us kids in 6 years. He's the John Bircher (super strict). Wow is he in for a shock. The thing I don't like is everybody's going to feel uncomfortable the first couple hours.

December 29

I really don't know what to think. They were here last night. Everybody was here, Harold and Katherine, Bob and Florence, Helen and her boyfriend and a couple of distant cousins that I didn't know and Uncle Dick and family.

Dick's daughters are really fine. They're all so beautiful. When he first saw me with my hair he jumped back and had to look again. It's been 6 years since he's seen me last. He didn't talk to me much, but I guess as much as anyone else, except Florence. He was telling me how long hair was out and that I should get it cut. While he was telling me all this he mentioned something about winter; so I just said, "Probably in the summer."

Bob is drinking again. It really hurt me to hear him say that. What can you do? Florence and I were talking in the kitchen and having a really good time, then Bob walked in. Him and my father started talking and you could tell he was drunk. (If you didn't know him you couldn't tell, it's just that he's a very quiet man and when he gets drunk he gets happy as well.) I could see Florence when he walked in. The expression on her face changed instantly. She was really hurt. I'm going to write her a letter right now.

Everybody else was the same except Harold's got a little older.

December 29

I don't know how to describe this feeling inside me. It's like I want to go inside myself and relax and just be high and think forever. I'm sitting with the headphones on and it feels really good. I can't hear anything but nice mellow music.

I was standing by the window, alone, when all of a sudden there was this fear in me. It was like I knew something was wrong with me, something really evil. I don't know what.

January 1

I don't feel like writing.

I'm reading "Soviet Man and His World" by Klaus Mehnert. He's a German journalist and a fantastic writer. The book's about Russia today. It's great!

I have to write something now because I want to get myself in the habit of writing here and there's really no excuse for me not to.

Tomorrow I'm going to Hyannis to sign up for a course at Cape Cod Community College (acting I).

The year is 24 hours old.

Well I wrote something and I really don't feel like writing much so that's as good and excuse as any, right? RIGHT!

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN, OR THE EGG?

January 2

Pain is created in the mind. It's the fear that's in your head. If a person could get rid of this tape that's breeded in almost everybody, he would eliminate pain. It's an alarm system gone kaputz! What it's supposed to do is let you know that part of your body needs some loving care. But people when they see part of their body open, they get afraid and think it hurts.

It would take a few generations to get rid of this trait. But it won't happen for quite awhile.

A person alone could only decrease pain a small amount if he worked at it.

January 2

All these Jesus freaks who say god works for you and all these Chinese who have their gods and all these people who say the stars tell the future, are absolutely RIGHT!

Because they believe.

If you want it to happen, all you have to do is believe in it, it will. It won't come right away and some things would take years, some might only take a few weeks, but you've really got to believe it. I don't mean just say you believe it. I mean believe it, and picture it in your mind to get across to the Tao and it will happen.

If you believe in astrology and think you're going to have a bad week, of course you're going to have a bad week, you think you're gonna.

January 2

The best way to
    understand
       Heaven
Is to
    live through
       Hell

   Frankie

Believe. It's the only word you have to understand.

January 2

Man, is it nice out. I haven't sat outside like this in a long time. I'm waiting for Tom to come pick Karl up at work so I'm sitting on this hill over looking the parking lot to make sure I see him when he gets here.

I'm glad I'm alive!

January 6

Theatre class wasn't very good today. Or maybe it was but I'm not in a very good mood now so. The reason I'm not in a very good mood is because when we got back from theatre class, no one was here! I really shouldn't feel this way, people are gonna be like that.

Oh well, what can I do?

January 7

There are a lot of U.S. ships heading down to Vietnam. (Military ships.) There is going to be a war. The way I know this is just the feelings I've been getting lately. And now there's a lot more people getting that way. We're entering a depression and a war is about the only way to get out. The radio was just saying that the U.S. has always used the military and warfare as a way out of it's economic problems. I don't know why I can't just forget it.

If there is a war, what am I going to do? It could happen as soon as June. What ever I do I want to stick around till July 12 to get my record cleared up. I'll be 18 in June and if the draft starts the I have to do something.

I think I'm afraid I'm to weak. If they ever let anybody fly, I'm afraid that I might join. But why be like everybody else? It's all so sick!

January 7

I just feel like writing because this pen is a pissa color. I tried to help my little sister tonight and shit! do I need refreshing on my math! At school we're going to try something different this cycle, math and English are required. I think it's pretty good, although that isn't the way most kids are going to feel. When I'm out of school this year I don't know what I'll do. I've been telling myself I'm gonna get a job, get some money and take off to travel around for a while. I never really thought about WHERE I'm gonna get a job. It's crazy. But that's still what I'm gonna do because I haven't got anything better. Lately I've been thinking about Outward Bound. It lasts 1 month and costs $500! I've sent for information on scholarships. If I get one, I'm going to go. I'm also looking into different sources. Nancy told me about a theatre school that George T. up at Cape Cod Community College puts on in the summer. My mother said she would give me a couple hundred dollars for it. So I think I'm going to be around this summer.

January 8

I just got a ride back to town from school with Robin, Gene and Rick. It sucked, nobody said anything. I can really feel it, I don't belong with them. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't hate them or get pissed. I mean I can see why they feel that way, I used to be just like them. I wish I could change it.

January 9

I haven't done any chinese in a while. I've been doing so many things.

January 10

Fuck I'm going crazy!

This pen writes pretty good.

January 20

I forgot the book at school, so I haven't written for a few days. I've decided to build a hang glider. I started to work on a bi-plane type but then read an article about soaring. I've already thought of a way to build long wings at a minimum of cost. In fact I think it would be easier than a bi-plane.

The idea of long slender wings is that all the lift is produced in the forward portion of the wing. Therefore you can get better lift from a long thin one than a short stubby one.

Another major reason for wanting to build it like a sailplane is the ability to soar for hours like a bird using thermal currents. I want to do that!

One of my biggest problems is when does it become an airplane, which has to be inspected and the pilot needs a license. I want to put controls on it instead of shifting my weight like a hang glider, and I'm afraid that once I put those controls on it's considered an aircraft.

January 16

Youthful Days

Kids on a swing
Bring thoughts to me
Of youthful days
When we were free

We would play
In our youthful ways
Among the fields
Throughout the day

Up the hill
And down to the tree
We would run
Our thoughts a-glee

When night time came
These things would change
We'd lay our heads
On out beds again

And think of these days
When we were free
Our youthful ways
Just you and me

   Frankie

How do you like my new poem? I thought it was great. I really should write more but if I don't have anything to say, then what the hell. I always say that, but all I've got to do is think a little and I'll come up with something.

This pen is really good.

January 21

The more I think about this sail plane, the more I like it. All these projects keep my mind occupied.

Thursday my graduation community is going to meet. I guess I'm as ready as ever.

January 22

Things have been pretty shittly lately. Last night I went to psycodrama and it was great. I was the guinea pig. Chuck had me pick out two major things in my life right now. I set them up using people there, they were my graduation committee which met today at 2, and my friends. I had three people sitting representing friends. (That's all the people left.)

Chuck told me to name them so one was Bev, one was my mother and the last was Nanci (really the first was Nanci). I did my whole drama around Nanci and my relationship. It was hard but in the end I found a lot of things out that I wasn't sure. We talked this morning. It was really hard but in the end it was fantastic!

I can't write about what I'm feeling right now.

February 4

For the past couple of days I've been getting into woodcuts, as you may have noticed. 5 more days till we head for Mardi Gras. It's hard to believe I'm going.

February 5

Washington D.C.

Last night I slept over Andrea's house. I got up this morning at

After 13 hours in the car we made it to Washington D.C. It's 8:30. It really pissed me off when we stopped to use a phonebooth. There were some black people standing around and Jesus Christ you should have heard those kids cussing them. I felt like having nothing to do with this group.

At first I thought Scott was going to be o.k. but he's really acting up. I'm just going to ignore these things and have a good time.

I hope I can.

February 6

We're in Missisipi on the Gulf of Mexico. We drove all day yesterday and all of last night. What a pain in the ass, but it's worth it. We'll spend the day and night here and go to the Mardi Gras tomorrow.

February 7

Everybody's drinking (kids). It's turned into a partying trip. If I had known drinking was allowed I wouldn't have come. I really feel out of place here.

February 13

This trip really sucks. I have a hard time keeping myself in a good mood. I don't always succeed.

The little kids are in the other room listening to Mickey Mouse. I love Walt Disney and his ideas about storytelling. Telling stories is a beautiful art. I want to practice and get better at it. Someday I'm going to be a writer, maybe not professionally, but just for me and my friends.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Nanci asked me about my fantasys about three years from now. I keep thinking about it. I want to travel. I want to see all different countries and meet thousands of people. When I told Sonny I'd probably go to northern Canada and Alaska first he said I could get a job and earn about $3,000 in 4 months. I said great, but when I thought about it that's foolish. I don't want to stay anywhere and you can't take it with you.

Why bust your ass?

February 15

I've been smoking for a couple days now. Nanci asked me why I started again, I really don't know why. This trip bummed me out and I guess I really don't give a shit anymore. I've been in a really negative mood lately. Had a good talk with Nanci the other night. We just had dinner at a fancy restraunt next door and it bummed me out. Everybody's drinking.

I feel fucked up.

I don't belong with these people.

February 17

I got home last night. It's sure good to be home. Today is monday. My pants are in the wash and when they get out I'm going to Hotline to see Bev.

I thought telling my parents I smoked again would kill them, but they took it really good. I feel great!

This afternoon I'm going to Nanci's house.

February 18

I just came from Nanci's. She's drunk. Her and Mary are both drunk. It really hurt me. I left. I can't stand being around people drinking now. Normally I'd just get bummed out and leave, but it really hurt to see someone I really care for drunk.

I'm too sensitive. I feel what the people around me feel, happy, sad, bummed out or whatever. The whole world IS FUCKED!

Everybody gets polluted.

People hurt other people and animals.

Our whole philosophy, since the beginning of man, has been based on warfare. I almost want to kill myself.

If I had a beer, just one, I know I would.

FUCK...

I don't want to be different but I won't be like them.

I feel really lonely.

I wonder if there's anybody like me in the whole world.

I really don't believe there is.

February 18

I was talking with Nanci today. She really makes me feel good. My brain gets moving when we talk, she brings up a lot of questions. I feel a lot closer to her after that trip and all the times we've talked.

February 19

I can remember growing up all I wanted to be was the coolest hippie, and smartest crook. I wanted to get high... I was doing pretty good, till my plans got screwed by moving to Falmouth.

Now I just want to get out and travel. I want to be a bum, in the purest sense of the word. I don't want poverty, but I don't want money. I want to be rich in happiness, with a meal in my stomach and thoughts in my head, I want to be on the road.

Nanci started giving me a lot of shit about getting a job. She was saying that someday I'd get sick of being a bum. I'd get hungry. I agree I will probably go hungry a lot but I'll be happy and I will eat. It's easy for a storyteller on the road to get a free meal somewhere.

In a year or two, maybe less, I'll stop and go to school. But I need that first couple years to let my mind wonder before I have to deal with this society.

Thanks for the thoughts Nanc.

February 19

I just tried to write a poem about Jimmy Lee. Jimmy Lee is an old black guy I met in New Orleans. I met him in a laundry mat. He was sitting in a chair, drunk, leaning against the wall. When I came in he started talking to me. He said he had a problem, he was born black. He talked and I listened. With a real southern accent, and a lot of alchohol, he rambled on about General Grant, Boston, his wife and a thousand other things. It was hard to make out everything he said, but I guess that didn't matter, because it was the way he said it, that did the real talking. I don't think I'll ever forget Jimmy Lee.

February 22

Politicians are useless. It's all a game. Leaders are what we need. We don't have any. Our societies would fall apart if politicians disappeared but we sure aren't much above that with them either.

Our president and vice president were bit chosen by the people. There must be 5000 major politicions who effect out lives. There are so many people that it's just too complicated.

We don't have any leaders.

No one has anyone to follow.

Everybody is just sort of drifting around. Prices are going up. Crime is going up. Unemployment is going up. The Government is failing badly.

Ment - 1. a result, 2. a means
Govern - 1. to excercise authority over, rule, control, etc. 2. to influence the action or conduct of
  The Amercian Heritage Dictionary

I never knew that first definition for govern, I always thought govern just meant to influence something, number 2. It fits because the Government is runing the country, not the people. I think our Government is a farce and used only for a certain group of people's benefit.

The Army killed 1/2 a million black birds out west a couple of days ago. The reason: they were eating all the crops and their droppings posed a health hazard. Well, if 14 dead birds per sq. yard isn't a hazard, I don't know what is.

They sprayed the birds with a chemical that ate the protective oil off their wings and let them freeze a nice slow death.

Good old U.S. of A. has done it again.

(American-know-how I think it's called.)

February 25

Well the book's almost over. I don't know wether I'll get another, maybe in a while. Everybody at school wants to travel some place. I mentioned Germany and already about 6 people want to go. No way, I don't want to go with people. Not a lot of people anyway.

Bev said why not Hawaii? Why not.

February 25

I think that when I die it will be really beautiful. I've always had good feelings about my death. I want to miss everybody, but the actual death itself I'm looking forward to. People who have almost died, but were revived, have talked about it as be coming completely aware of themselves, not their bodies, but them, the actual soul, if that's what you call it. They said it was a beautiful feeling.I can picture myself leaving my body and what it would feel like. I'm really going to enjoy it. Lately I've been thinking about different types of deaths. Jumping off something is one way I want to go. I don't like violent deaths like stabbings but I wouldn't mind being shot. The guillotine I've thought about but don't think I'd like it. Jumping off somthing seems to be the best.

February 26

I just read an article on the U.S.'s new weapons and warfare. It's sick. I really believe that there is going to be a major war within the next 15 years. I also believe that we won't have to worry about over population because a lot of people will be killed in an unnatural disaster before then.

I hate to end this book with shitty words like that but I had to say someting. This book means a lot to me. I can't afford to buy a new one so I'm going to make one.

Frank R. Jennings [signed]

It's over, shit!